A bad yet good decision

I used to be gay. Like real deal gay. I wore men clothes, men body wash, men everything. I come from a hairy family so I just let me hair grow out all over my face. People always asked me did I take testosterone pills because of my chin hair and thick mustache. My voice is already a little deep so it was nothing to make it a little deeper. I walked like a had an actual penis between my legs. The only way you knew I was a girl was because of my breast. Those were big at the time when I had a lot of weight on me. Everybody would call me sir. I would get mad as if I didn't look like a whole man. It was on so tough that now that I dress like a girl again people don't even recognize me. I walk pass people I used to kick it with and they have no idea. I'm neither proud nor ashamed of the lifestyle I used to live. Its crazy because when I was gay I was both proud and ashamed. I was proud then because I belonged when I never had before. Everybody wanted to be friends with the openly gay girl. I got way more attention from women then I ever got from men. I was ashamed because I was uncomfortable most times. I didn't even like wearing big clothes. Heck I would cry when I broke a nail. After I got done playing tough around everybody all day I would go home and be my true feminine self. I was gay for about four or five years. It was never suppose to last that long. It was just something I was trying out. The people I hung with were gay so it made it easier for me to fit it. The more girls came after me, the deeper I was in. I liked the attention honestly. I thought about it every night. Telling myself I would change and go back to the real me soon. Now that I'm not gay anymore I'm not proud of it. I realized that I was only being what other people wanted me to be. Changed my whole self just to be acceptable to some people I don't even know anymore. But I am not ashamed. I learned a lot about myself as well as other people. I learned that even though there are masculine things about me, I'm still a woman like any other woman. I don't have to wear make up, dress in high heels, and wear weave to be a "real" woman. As long as i am being myself and making ME happy, I am a real woman. I learned that women are not innocent. I thought otherwise because in relationships, the woman always seemed to be the one hurt. In fact, that was one reason why I went gay as well. I thought there was no way a woman would cheat on me. I'm loyal so they'll give me that in return. This was complete bull. Women cheat just as much as men. I think women hurt me more than men did because I expected more out of them. I also befriended more male friends. Like I said before everybody want to be cool with the gay girl. I didn't know how careless men are. They have sex with other women and feel no type of way about it. Their homeboys act like they don't know around the girlfriend but of course they do. Men be having well oiled cheating organizations. I have never had a homebody who wasn't cheating on his girl. Not saying all men cheat but more are actually doing it than I originally thought. Everybody let me in on their secrets when I was gay. It opened my eyes to what really be going on out here. For that reason I'm actually glad that I went through that experience. It showed me that not everyone has good intentions, no matter who I portray myself to be.


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