Self sabotage

I am so happy with my boyfriend and it only gets better. The thing is, the happier I get the more afraid I get. At first I didn't know what I was afraid of. I think I am actually scared of being happy though. He gives me everything that I want, the sex is great, and he is just as goofy as me. It's like i'm waiting on something bad to happen though. Probably because that's what usually happens, something bad. I'm waiting on the spiral of drama, waiting to find out whatever secret he is hiding. Thinking that it is all too good to be true. Sometimes I feel like I am pushing him away mentally. I subconsciously create negative situations and my head and that brings about negative situations in real life. Causes petty little arguments and I know its all my fault because I was thinking the shit anyways. At the end of the day it's like we always good. We have a better understanding of each other and we love each other even more. I'm used to people hurting me so it's like i'm expecting him to do the same. It's like I can't even enjoy what I have because I'm so focused on what might happen or things that have happened in my past. It's like i'm just always in my head....So I am on a new mission. A mission to stay out of my head. A mission to forget all about what has happened to me in my past and except the gift that life has given to me now. If I don't...I'll lose it all. That only adds to my list of fears.


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