I guess I'll start here.

I keep looking back at my life trying to figure how I got to this point. Trying to figure out is there more to me or am I just going insane. It can't all be that simple though. When I was younger I always wondered about life. How is it that I'm even here ? Looking in the mirror at myself as if I don't know the person I'm looking at. I've always been a loner. I could never really fit in with the people around me. I was socially awkward. I could not hold a conversation. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say, I was just scared to say anything. I feared that the words that came out of my mouth would not be acceptable to my peers. Simply because the things that I thought about on the daily basis were so different than the conversations I would hear around me. Girls would talk about boys and boys would talk about girls. It may be strange but I was more intrigued on talking about death and whether or not people thought that god was real. I wanted to talk about the things that we all kept to ourselves. I mean those things are who we truly are and not the things we portray to be. I was only about in the fourth grade at this time but these are the things I wondered about. I was so quiet back then. Just looking and observing everything around me. Secretly crying at the harsh things I saw, wondering how could people act that way. I never understood why I was so different. Everybody was so eager to grow up and do grown up things. I wanted to single-handedly slow down time so that I could stay a child forever. What was so special about being a grown up anyways ? To me adults didn't know how to love anymore and they didn't have a sense of imagination. All they did was go to work and pay bills. Every now and then they would go to the club or to the casino to forget that they are someone Else's property. To forget that every single day of their lives revolve around doing things that give them a false sense of happiness. There is no way I was in a rush to be those people. I wanted to be young forever. When you're young, everyday seems different. The world is so big and bright and you just want to explore it all. And at that age you believe that you can. The older you get that grows away. Piece by piece. Money and pride stripping every bit of your childhood from you. Sex now dominating your whole mind and emotions. When we were young, we didn't care about sex. We were so satisfied with seeing the person that we like everyday and just playing with them. Just being in their presence and completely satisfied with just that. Somehow I became a grown up. A soulless adult. Settling in a position that would let me be secure. So afraid of living life and taking chances because poverty happens in just seconds....But I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid to sacrifice a little money for my happiness. I'm not afraid to live with a purpose. Somewhere along the way I realized that I want to be happy. I don't want to look back at my life and think about what I COULD of did. I'm going to actually do it. So I guess I'll start here.


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