First act of insanity
I remember when I was like 12 or 13. Something in that area. I had my first boyfriend. Man I was so excited. I mean I had talked to other guys but he was the first real thing. I had already experienced what boys could be like. Very inconsistent and polygamy like. This one was definitely the real deal. He gave me attention like I had never had before. He would hold my hand in the hall and wrap his arm around my shoulder. We were young but we made out in front of everybody. Didn't care if the teachers saw us either. We actually got in trouble for that a few times. In the first few days of us dating, he had my picture on the background of his cellphone. His cellphone didn't even have service but I felt special to be on it. He would let me keep his cellphone and wear his varsity jacket. He played on the football team. We walked to every single class together. I was always a tomboy but I started dressing cuter just for him. Wore my hair different and everything. In about a week we told each other that we loved one another. That we couldn't live without each other. I was fascinated with the idea of him. I use to see him from across the school yard at lunch at time. I would eye him but I never spoke. He caught me looking one day and gave me one of those head nods. I played it cool and gave him one right back. Then I looked away like I wasn't paying him no attention. I think that's how I got him. We were like the couple of the school. Everybody was always talking about how cute we were together and I would suck it all in. That didn't really last for too long though. Maybe about four or five months. See I thought that because everybody in the school knew we were together, no other girl would try to get at him. Its crazy how blind you are at that age. I don't know why people want things that they can have or don't belong to them. Or we have those people that see you with it and now they want it. Me and him used to meet up like everyday after lunch. This day was different. I didn't see him nowhere. Found out he was like off studying somewhere with some girl. That was crap. He didn't care about school. When the bell rung they were walking the hall together. I was kind of stunned. That was unlike him. He had been faithful up to that point. When I seen him he still didn't say anything to me. Acted like I was all invisible. Like I blended in with the brick walls of the school. After school we would usually wait on our bus together. Nope, not that day. He was waiting for his bus with this other girl. Her bus pulled up first. They hugged and she left. I was so confused and pissed. Usually a guy shows signs of cheating. He did this out the blue AND did it in public, in my face. That was the first time of many times that he made me look dumb. He called me later and explained to me that she was just a friend. It must of been a good lie cause I believed him. I was so naïve. I didn't want to believe that he would do something like that to me. School let out and then we basically spent the whole summer together, kissing. That's all we ever did was kiss. We never really talked about anything. Now that I think about it we didn't even have anything in common. Just two people who found each other attractive. I was shy as heck so that made communication even worse. The next school year started exactly how it ended. He was with that girl again. It was actually like that for the whole school year. He would break up with me, go have sex with others girls, then beg his way back into my life. Most time he was doing things while we were together anyways. I forgave him every time. People would tell me things and I didn't believe none of it. See I thought people were just being jealous. I don't know if it was because he fine to me, he was my first boyfriend, I didn't want to see him with anybody else, or I didn't think I could get anybody else. Like I said he was the first real guy that paid attention to me. I didn't feel like I could do any better. I have to add that I wasn't having sex with him. We were too young for that and I was perfectly happy with just being with him. He wanted sex though. I wasn't giving it up. I knew those girls were though. They had a reputation for that. He came crawling back every time he was done with one of them though. He would always tell me how I was fooling with other guys so that's why he did what he did. That was just an excuse to do what he wanted to do. He was cheating but I was the one always apologizing for things I didn't even do. And every time we would come right back together and every time I would think it would be better. Not realizing that I was completely insane. We did the same routine like every two weeks for about a year and a half. A constant roller coaster ride is what my friends would called it. It never got better so I finally found the strength to leave him alone. All the love was about gone at that point. He tried to come back and I almost took him back too. He was pleading, saying how this time would be different. It would have been so easy to run back to the place where I was used to. I had to fight that repetitive human nature and be insane no more. I could no more let the history of us having good times together delete the fact that he wasn't a good guy. It's hard leaving a situation that you been in for a while but that's the first step to recovery of insanity.
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